I started writing a post yesterday that was full of funny things regarding my birthday (today) and my latest fill. It included celebrities with whom I share a birthday and funny thoughts around my current situation. I even mentioned my upcoming physical therapy and a shout out to my friend and fellow blogger, Sarah. All of this came to a halt yesterday at 521 pm.
When I got home yesterday I checked my mail and opened a letter from the genetics center that did my original testing many years ago. The letter asked that I contact them to update my contact information. Apparently they didn’t have my current Ohio information. I called and gave my new address and phone number. The lady said there was an update to my file and asked if I had time to speak to the doctor. Of course I was excited to talk to her because of the new found sense of pride I’ve discovered surrounding my mastectomies. The news the doctor had to share with me was something I could have never expected. In fact, I’d say it’s the worst news I’ve ever heard.
This summer they completed additional research on my gene mutation and found that my test results are actually benign.
Let that soak in.
Basically, for 6 yrs I’ve been told I was in fact BRCA2 positive. I had the documentation and everything. I made the decision this year to end my worry and eliminate my risk by having a bilateral mastectomy…and I didn’t have to.
I now feel like my entire foundation has been shaken to pieces. I’m exceptionally confused, sad, angry… Honestly, I don’t know what else to say right now. I want to continue this blog. I am still going thru reconstruction- there’s no backing out now. I am trying to find some peace and understanding but right now I just can’t. I’m angry. So very angry.
I have no real insight or ‘lesson learned’ to share. I have no positive spin. I have no answers. I don’t know what else to write right now but felt that it was very important for me to share my recent news. I never ever want to appear to be a fraud but I can’t keep writing under the premise of being BRCA2 positive.
My goal for this blog was to be vulnerable and transparent. I still have so much to endure before the end of my reconstruction but I need some time to process this new turn of events, and I need time to reconcile what has happened. I’ve gone from feeling empowered and hero-like, to defeated, deceived, and helpless.
Please forgive me for not being ready to discuss this in detail. I’m going to take some time to process it. I don’t know when I will continue my weekly blog posts, but I promise I will resume them at some point. Please forgive me for not being very responsive if you reach out to me right now. I promise that I will survive this latest news and be back to sharing my experiences and insight as soon as I’m ready. I’m searching for clarity and understanding. I’m just too broken right now to say much else. What was seemingly incomprehensible to begin with has now gotten worse. As most of you now know, I’m a fighter and am resilient. I’ll bounce back with a renewed sense of self and resolve…but I need some time.
For those of you going through reconstruction right now…solidarity.